Thursday, July 22, 2010

Kids, kids, kids!!!!!!

My kids amaze me each and every day. But my little Maddie puts the icing on the cake.....One would never know that she is as sick/weak as she is. She is a vibrant little ball of fire. Through all of her surgeries and her sicknesses, she has managed to still hold a huge smile on her face (usually a guilty smile). Lately, she is really pushing the envelope with me. She knows I feel sorry for her and she is starting to play it up.

Maddie is officially a Klepto. She's pretty good at it too. She steals, or at least tries to, from every store we go in and from every person that comes in our house. I'm not proud of this by any means, I'm just sayin' she has perfected the art of thievery. To make matters worse, she doesn't even realize it's wrong. Yeah, she'll go hide the stuff that she stole, but then as soon as you ask for it she'll lead you right to her stash. The concept of taking other peoples' things just doesn't click. My brother and his girlfriend were visiting a few months ago and their camera went missing. First thing, I asked Maddie where the camera went. "Hmmm." she said. "Let me see." She went right into her room and dug the camera out from under her bear collection. "Here it is!" She was so proud that she found it. Oh, here's another prime example....I was getting her homework out of her book bag a few months ago and to my surprise Maddie had smuggled a couple light bulbs still in their box. Yes, she stole them from school! Why, I don't know. I asked her and she said, "Mom, I don't know. I need them." Don't even ask me.....I could see a child stealing candy or toys, but light bulbs? And yes, she got caught stealing again today, but not until we got home from the store. Tucked tightly in her hand was a little golden angel. Needless to say, we took the angel back and couldn''t express how sorry we were. As I began to tell Maddie what an awful thing she just did, she let me know quite clearly that she could have taken two of the angels, but she went ahead and dropped one on the floor. Like that was going to make me proud of her.....Isn't it crazy?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Smell my fingers

I'm just gonna keep this one short and sweet. Well, not really sweet, actually it's a bit off. And when I say a bit, I mean a lot.
A brief run down: Hysterectomy two weeks ago, back in the hospital last week because of a dog attack, internal bleeding, magic act on my "girlie parts," follow-up doctors visit.
And that brings us up to the story I'm about to tell. The OB/GYNE came into my room asking how I was doing. "A lot better," I said. "The bleeding has stopped and I just have a little cramping." "Sound great, now lets do an exam to make sure the blood clot held," he said. "Everything feels intact, and it looks like your healing nicely. And with all of the antibiotics you were given via. the IV, you should be without any infection."
You'll never guess what he did next........I'll tell you. He pulled his hand out of my "girlie parts" and sniffed his glove. "Nope, no infection," he said. I'm just going to leave it at that. Isn't it crazy?

Monday, July 19, 2010

Attila the Hun's ass......

So, I have this friend. We'll call him Steve (cause it's fun too). Steve loves history, he's very passionate about it. It's really quite amazing talking to him about it. He can actually turn boring textbook reading into a "story." If everyone spoke/taught history like the way Steve tells it, history wouldn't be such a boring subject. Anyways, I was talking to Steve earlier today and he was telling me about his new book based on Attila the Hun. After a long conversation, mainly regarding my stupidity as related to history, I was told to read about Attila. I was also told about how interesting it would be.......

So Steve, let me tell you about Attila: I read for hours, and it really confused me. The reading used words such as: brother Bleda, Scythian hordes, Theodosius, and so on and so forth. I was so confused and had such a headache by the time I was done. But wait, could it be? Did I find something interesting in all of this torture? Why yes! Attila died on his wedding night. He drank too much, fell asleep, and got a nosebleed. He actually died choking on his own blood! Isn't it crazy?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Throwing up circus peanuts

I'm just wondering if anyone out there, besides myself, eats those heavenly little orange puffs known as circus peanuts. If you've ever eaten one, trust me, you'd remember it. They taste kinda bad, but there's something about them that I just can't resist. Have you ever eaten something and didn't quite know if you liked it? So you tried it again.....Well, I keep trying circus peanuts until eventually the whole bag is gone. And if you would ask me, no, I don't like them even though I've eaten about 20 bags. I guess I just like the way they squish in my mouth. It's a weird texture thing.
For whatever reason, last night, I decided to indulge myself with a bag of circus peanuts. I guess I ate 10 of them or so, and yeah, they were gross, each and every one of them. But again, I couldn't stop myself. About 30 minutes later I was face down in the toilet. I saw circus peanuts like no one has ever seen them before. I would assume that those cloud-like little orange puffs expand twenty times their origional size once they hit your stomach. And with my recent surgery, they didn't settle well. They get all stringy and stretchy once you eat them. Almost like melted taffy. The damn little things were choking me as they came up. It was AWFUL! With all of that being said......I ate a few more this morning. Isn't it crazy?

Saturday, July 17, 2010

My "girlie parts" were involved in a magic show....

What better way to start off the day than to talk about my "girly parts." As many of you know, I had a complete hysterectomy last week. But that's not what I want to talk about. I am more interested in the magic show that happened this week. I was attacked by a dog this week. It was really kinda comical. It ended up ripping some of my internal stitches out. Needless to say I was taken to the ER. And just how did they stop the bleeding? That's the best part. They had to apply pressure. But how does one go about applying pressure to the inside of one's "girlie parts?" Let me tell you. They shove rolls of gauze up your Whoo Whoo. Nope, it doesn't feel good! Nope, not at all. Then, they put pressure on your stomach by placing a belly belt on. Real sexy. Now, I stayed like this overnight in the hospital. And in the morning, the magician arrived. My gynecologist flopped down on the bed saying, "Now, lets remove the packing and we'll see how it goes."
Have you ever seen a magician pull continuous handkerchiefs out of his sleeve? That's the magic act that I was involved in! Yep, he pulled continuous rolls of gauze out of my "girlie parts." Most people, I assume, would be humiliated. Not me, I laughed like there was no tomorrow. I am sure I embarrassed the doctor, but magic was all I could think about. It was too funny. I know you're laughing right now. Isn't it crazy?

My life is.....Well, you decide.

Well, I'm 30, and I can say I've lived. I have laughed more times than I've cried (I don't know how). And I live everyday like there isn't going to be another. I can't stand it when people write all "grammatically correct." I write like I would talk to you. Simple, distasteful, yet a whole lot of fun. I love dogs with smushed faces. I have a bulldog. I can't stand girls with bleached blond crispy hair. I drink a lot of water. No, it doesn't taste good, not even when it's really cold. But guess what....I have clear pee, and we all know thats a positive. I wear white cotton panties at least five days a week. Is it because I like them? Nah, my mom just sends me a never ending supply of them. When I wear jeans, I usually have multi-colored, weird socks on. Why? Because my mom says that I like them. Do I? Well, if my mom says so.... I can't stand nasty teeth. They just make my skin crawl. However, I will still be your friend even if you have some funk going on in your mouth. The only problem with that is, I'll be thinking, "Man he/she should have brushed their teeth." And I'll think it over, and over, and over again. I LOVE chocolate. I generally eat it every day. It would be sad if I got a huge butt due to the overwhelming candy consumption, but I would still live. I am passionate about cooking. But, I can't live without butter. Butter is my friend. I LOVE the smell of bleach!!!! I clean my toilets daily with it. I enjoy the smell of Lysol too. Only the concentrated one in the brown bottle though. These things make my life worth living. I have, or should say had, a massive collection of shoes. I love them, they make me happy. And when I say "had." My house burned down, and I know your thinking "her shoes were ruined." Nope, Servpro stole them (my underwear too). I brush my teeth at least 4 times a day. It just feels good. I have stinky feet. I'm just sayin'. So, isn't it crazy?